On Transitions

Hubs starts a new job on April 2 and he’s meeting the new chapter of his career with a mix of joy, relief and trepidation. The job he is leaving he has been at since May 2004. Yup, right after he graduated with his degree. It was his first job after University. And now, it’s time to move on. We always knew at some point he would be leaving much go on to much bigger and better things but the circumstances that surrounded his leaving were less than desirable. But again, it was also time to move on. The less than desirable circumstance was just the straw that broke the camels back if you will. It finally lit the necessary fire under Hubs to get out of there. He’s happier for having gotten out. Much happier. He’s blissful almost. It was time to move on. But we never realized how hard this transition would be on not only us but on other people. 

This morning I cried privately at the thought of no longer visiting Hubs in his office or knowing what’s going on there. I’ve just barely gotten use to the fact that my father no longer works there (it’s only taken 8 month) but now to have Hubs leave there too is a little hard to swallow. The Administrative Assistant LM  is going to miss hubs like there is no tomorrow I’m told. She’s been with his place of work since September 2004 and she’s very motherly towards Hubs. Apparently he reminds her of her son at times. She called me this morning to ask about an appropriate gift for him. I told her that he was a little apprehenvise about leaving but we both agree this was for the best and that his new job will do wonderful things for his career. A lot of the people that he works with have been a nice cirlce of friends to us. A pseudo family really. Many of them were at our wedding last July. We’ve celebrated weddings, births and mourned losses with these people. We have sipped coffee, guinness and broken bread with these people many many many times. It will be a hard transition for all of us. There will be one less person at coffee break in the morning.

A lot of these people were very welcoming to me when my father first started as the director there as well. Yes, my father was Hubses boss. I was in  my first year of University and they were really warm and genuine. They accepted me as hubses wife as well though giggled at jokes about marrying his bosses daughter. Some of these people have been friends with Hubs since their first year of University. And like Hub went on to get jobs at the university right after graduation. We have a feeling these people will continue to play a role in our lives. Life wouldn’t be the same without them.

Tonight we clean out his office. Our goofy wedding portrait will be packed up along with his class pin up girl picture and his art deco concert poster for a band I can never remember the name of. Statler and Waldorf that came home with me from England will have to find a new home along with the BIG rubber rat that was given to HUBS when my Father left. Tomorrow morning there will be cake for Hubs and a gift and I was asked to attend.  Apparently LM said it wouldn’t be a YAY Hubs party with out me because it’s truly a YAY for me and Hubs. I’ll have to remember to bring my camera.

This is one of the first major transistions that has occured in our marriage. We don’t count me moving out of my parents house as happening during our marriage as it was because of our marriage I moved out. A by product of marriage if you will. Hubs will no longer be walking to work. Instead he’ll be working across the street from me. Rather than on the other side of town. He’ll have a whole new set of responsibilities though in the same field. There will be a steep learning curve. But he’s excited about that. Though I know deep down inside he’s going to miss his current job. And it will mostly be because of the people.

“Nothing is secure but life, transition, the energizing spirit.” – Emerson

L.

On Letting Go

This is a continuation, I suppose of the post “On Projection.”

This person is hard after being as wicked and hateful as she can. In someways I think it is hilarious that a 34 year old woman can behave this way. In otherways, I feel bad for her that her life is so miserable, she needs to do her best to make other, people she must be jealous or envious of in some way, miserable.

So here is what has happened as of late. She has been trashing me in as many ways as she can, wherever she thinks she can get away with it. I fought back in a very honest and factual way and as such, again, because she is disagreed with, she is doing what she can to ‘get me in trouble’ or something.

Here is the thing, the only place I have written about this is here (I carried the first post over from a yahoo 360 that no one is at.) I haven’t said a cross thing about her character to anyone, though there is plenty I could say. I haven’t gone out of my way to follow her to the ends of the internet, I haven’t gone to administrators making up lies about her like she has about me. Apparently she needs to heed her own advice about growing up.

Here is what I want to say, and I *know* she stops in here from time to time, she has to, this is the”secret blog” after all (some secret when I have it linked to my main site.)

Stop it. Grow up and let it go already. YOU don’t always have to win. YOU don’t always have to be right. You spoke about the loser bench….why would I want to sit there and be complacent and bitchy and upset about my life when I can be out DOING. Live and let live and leave me the hell alone. You are accomplishing nothing with your hatefulness and lies. People are aware of you, having seen what you do and been made aware.

You contributed NOTHING to my life. You are toxic. Everything about you is toxic. I wish I had never met you. You are one of the life eeking people I SWORE I was going to keep out of my life. You spoke always of vampiric people when you didn’t like someone, perhaps a peek in your mirror will reveal a thing or two about yourself…projection again.

Be gone from me.

Goodbye.

On Evolving

I turned another year older the other day and it was weird. Very anti-climactic. It was very much like another day on earth except I got gifts and a few more phone calls than usual. Hubs has been trying to make it extra special because this has been a rough year for me and I appreciated his efforts but I must say the joking words my father wrote in my birthday card really rang true. 23 is in fact really a nothing birthday.

My birthday always makes me reflective however. I reflect on who I was and who I almost am. Birthdays have a funny way of doing that to people.

Recently a friend I’ve had since I was in the 10th grade lamented the fact that she wished things were the way they use to be. She wished we could get into our very own Delorian and whisk ourselves back to a time of Cherry Pepsi and copying each others homework. She wanted life to be simple again (it’s always interesting to look back to a period where you thought your life was complicated and realize it really wasn’t.) She longed for lunch breaks in the caf, decorating our lockers and being a small group of people who cared about each other fiercely. We are still a small group of people who are about each other deeply but the other stuff has faded away. We’re all on different roads doing different things and these are roads that we knew that we were travel on but never in a million years would admit to it. I’m married with a steady job and a University degree. She’s had a few failed relationships, a few failed living on her own attemtps, has a steady job and a college diploma. Our other friend is finishing a fine arts degree, living at home and is desperately in love with a boy for the first time. We all came together this past summer at my wedding. They watched me get married and I cried when I saw them. We were together again, happy, joyous and still fiercely caring for one another.

I told this friend that things inevitably will never be like they were. That’s impossible. But the neat thing is that we’ve evolved as human beings. We’ve become rich multilayered characters in this play of life. We’ve become the adults we’ve always feared we would be. We’ve become what we never thought possible. We’ve grown up but not out of each other and we like that…alot.

We’ve evolved and will continute evolving and it’s a beautiful thing.

L.

On Projection

A lot of this is going to come out as word vomit, because they are thoughts that just have to be poured at the moment. 

I have a former friend, who in all honesty, I am not even sure that she truly was a friend. We had a disagreement a time ago, months ago in fact, about the war. We have differing opinions, though we are both against it. I disagreed with her, and all hell broke loose. It was amazing, really, considering the age of this woman, nearly 34. Through our entire relationship, it seemed as though I was giving and she was taking. We invited her to come sell at the farmer’s market, she told me things-very unhappy things about her marriage, her relationships with her children, the dynamic between her children and her husband, etc. All not so great.

Recently, I decided to sell homemade laundry soap, something she had been selling, but considering we were no longer friends-as far as I saw-and she lives no place near here, I gave it a go and have been doing very well with it! I

So to backtrack a bit, she and I had started talking again, but it was all surface garbage. Pleasantries and such. When she discovered I was selling laundry powder and selling it successfully, she decided to start blogging about me in a not so nice way. She even went so far as to take it to a message board that we are both on, a message board where I have a good reputation for being a nice person-just like I do in real life. I stopped talking to her altogether at that point, as her maturity level for a 34 year old is absolutely astounding…and not good astounding.

Time and again through our relationship she referred to us as “you kids” and other ‘you guys are younger than me so therefore, I am better and know more’ sorts of derogations. She came to our home and would stay for a few days at a time because she did not want to go home. She did not want to be in the environment that her husband and children were in-and I don’t blame her, it was tense and filled with all manner of woefullness. I listened to her. I listened to her tell me how she admires how I love my children (her relationship with her children is a very interesting dynamic-it is VERY clear she favors the younger over the elder-and even that relationship is strange,) I listened to her tell me how she admired my home and family. I know she never cared for my husband, but I can understand that, she thought she was better than he….in fact, I truly feel she thought-and still thinks-she is better than both of us. Now, in her blog, she says things about our age and maturity levels, and how our life is not as “rosey-posey” and we would like people to believe. I find that highly interesting, considering her posts on the message board. Her husband becomes super pagan and all of a sudden everything between them is jelly beans again. Interesting. Let’s just cover up the jalopy with a cut out of a prius so we don’t see what the ugly jalopy really looks like. When we wear bags over our heads, everything is bliss, right?

So ultimately, her opinion of herself, and her life, she is projecting on me, which I find very interesting, considering-because of how I have been burned in ‘friendships’ in the past-I never really truly let he know much about me or my life, my family, etc. She was never truly on the inside to even make a summation about who we really are, the way we live, treat people, behave, etc.

My husband and I were talking in general terms last night about relationships. We have watched, recently, a couple we know who never should have gotten together, split up. We both called it. they kept secrets from each other, they were hateful to each other, they did not share their lives with each other. We spoke then on ourselves. We both so highly enjoy our marriage and our friendship and everything about one another. We are together and where we always wanted to be. Neither of us see any darkness to come inour relationship because we talk about everything. We share everything. We know everything there is to know about each other. Sure we may disagree now and again about whatever, we may have annoying habits, but ultimately we know the other is human and we also know that there is not another person in the world who has the manual on either of us….and there never will be. Intimacy is wonderful, and when you don’t have that, you don’t have happiness, you don’t have friendship, it is easy to project that on others. Misery loves company. It is easy to get yourself so involved in yourself, in your projects, that things piss you off easily and you can’t be wrong about anything. I understand that.

I am glad she is not my friend. She never really was anyhow.

To be honest, I was hoping for a relationship end sometime mid Summer. I was tired of “the queen”-whatever the hell that is suppose to mean.

So my husband and myself will go on living our lives, happily and contentedly, rearing our girls, growing our gardens and animals-when they all arrive (very very soon! So exciting, buildings are almost set!) living our bliss. We won’t be forcing each other to live the other’s bliss, we are on this journey together and neither of us could be happier or more joyful. And we have the people we care about most, who can be disagreed with and still be our friends, who don’t always have to be right, and who care for us for who we are, not what we can benefit them. Life is good. Very good.

On Me

If you really knew me you would know that I sucked my thumb until I was 7.

If you really knew me you would know that I cried during a wedding last year not only due to happiness for the bride and groom but fear that I would never get married.

If you really knew me you would know that I tried to kill myself once but failed.

If you really knew me you would know I hate doing the dishes.

If you really knew me you would know I felt my more a big sister to my brother than a little sister.

If you really knew me you would know that I felt like my University graduation didn’t matter to people.

If you really knew me you would know you would know I’m no longer a victim of violence at the hands of a boyfriend but a survivor.

If you really knew me you would know that sometimes I fear no one will love me as deeply or as purely as my cat.

If you really knew me you would know I married the person that makes me want to be a better person.

If you really knew me you would know I scored in the top 5% on the LSAT but didn’t have the guts to apply for law school.

If you really knew me you would know that one of my guilty pleasures is eating ice cream straight out of the carton.

L. Fitzgibbon

On writing

Quick note to introduce an additional contributor. I won’t give her name, because I am not sure if she plans a pseudonym or not. So there are two of us. Angsty wimmin in our twenties, both married, one with children. Both trying to eek out a place in this world.

Welcome.

and Welcome readers, I have noticed a small grouping of you. Thanks for stopping by our corner of the web.

On Trusting

Recently, as in days ago recently, an issue of trust came up between me and the Lover. He has some very bad habits which he is working hard to break. One of these habits is lying, the other is very offensive to my sensibilities and to my womanhood. I am a feminist, however, I do not care if one wants to say that pornography is very liberating and very feminist and a woman should not care if her lover looks at it, views it or uses it. It is not a feminist thing. It is disgusting. I don’t care if it is a natural and hairy hippy girl or if it is an air brushed, Brazillian waxed bombshell with breasts out to there. It is all, again for the cheap seats, ALL degrading to women. Not only is is degrading to womanhood, it is a lie. It is a lie in and of itself, it is a lie because it will cause you to lie to your lover. It is a lie because it will cause you to forsake your lover for some other notion. It is a lie because it can lead to so much worse….in our case it nearly did.

Don’t lie to your lover. It honestly, as my friend put it, feels like you are being kicked in the heart. Why would you do that to someone you love and care for and make love to and share a life with? Stop it.

To fill you in on what has happened since. He has come clean with all his lying behaviours. We have made resolutions together to aid in curtailing this lasciviousness.

I am not a prude by any stretch, but there are some things I cannot and will not tolerate. Lying and pornography are two of them and really they are one in the same.

On body image

I replied to a post about Barbie tonight. It was a post of a woman who supposedly was a model in a former life and is now a mother who blogs about body image. She was surprisingly not against girls playing with dolls like Barbie and Bratz. I am. Here was my reply:

“I am going to have to disagree with you and your readers who think Barbie is OK. I am a mom to a 4 1/2 year old and a 14 month old. Both daughters. I forbid barbies in our home. YOU are the parent and the child will get over it. My daughters play with cloth dolls and those neat Groovy Girls dolls if someone buys a doll for them. Barbie does aid in perpetuating beauty myths. I speak as a woman who has battled over and again with anorexia. I still battle with whether or not to eat each day, but being a mother and wanting to set the BEST example I can for my children, I do what I can to make sure I eat, my husband keeps me accountable, and we do not allow things in our home which will aid in giving our children a negative body image. Grandparents all know not to purchase Barbies for our girls, she is a doll, not a role model and even the Brats, while I have heard their cartoon show (we don’t watch tv) sends a decent moral message, the image does not sned a healthy or positive one. Moreso, with Brats, than Barbie, we are teaching young girls that it is okay to dress like hookers at 11 and 12 years old. I am not a prude by any stretch, nor am I some religious fundie, I am as left as they come, but this is something that is going to affect the daughters of the world for the rest of their lives. So what if your daughter gets pissed because you won’t buy her a Barbie, YOU ARE THE GROWN UP (and I speak you, abiguously, ANYONE who lets the child be the decision maker.) YOU get to make the rules and the decisions about what your children are and are not allowed to be witness to. That doesn’t mean we need to sugar coat things to constantly protect children from the world, but we do have to make sure they know, this is wrong and why this is wrong. Please don’t think I am judging you, ebcause I only stumbled on your blog tonight, but I honestly think (and this is something about myself as well) the reason a Barbie may appeal to a 27 (me) year old or a 37 year old or a 47 year old mother owuld be because she STILL hopes to see herself that thin, still hopes to get that control that seems to always slip through her hands, even still, even after we think we have fought, battled and conquered our ED demons.”

For those not hip with the lingo, ED is NOT Erectile Dysfunction. It is Eating Disorder.

Pretty sure I pissed someone off.

On dreaming

I love dreaming. I love that it does for you. Your brain gives you a show while you sleep. It helps you work out problems of your day or problems that need fixing for the coming day. I did not like my dreams last night.

I woke feeling the pain in my body like I had been sobbing my heart out. I dreamed my children had died and my husband had left me because they died. I was wandering for what seemed like forever, and crying the entire time. I finally came across some people that I feel like I knew. A very large group of people. One of them, I think a man, but I cannot remember for sure, took me aside when I was at my lowest pit of despair. He told me that I was a strong woman, but I was not behaving like I was.

I am not sure what to make of this dream.

On bleeding

I awoke with the Solstice covered in blood.

My Moontime decided to come exactly 28 days since the last. The Moon was in Her first day as maiden and I woke up a mess. The day didn’t start well for me, as I didn’t accept this as the Solstice gift it was, only as a terrible start to a terrible day.

My day went on as that. Terrible.

When the Lover got home, I decided on a ritual for myself.

I prepared the bathroom by cleaning the tub with Borax. After it was washed and rinsed I filled it with water as hot as I could stand. To it I added some Rose oil. I prepared the bathroom candles (Jasmine) and then turned the lights off. I stood in front of the full length mirror and undressed. I stared at my body.

I am having a tough time with my body these days. I am inbetween and I hate it. I am amazed and empowered by my body, having borne two daughters who will later give birth, ad infinitum. I am also horrified by my body. Ugly. Sagging skin. Falling breasts. I am 27.

I slipped into the water and squatted as if to give birth. I slipped my first two fingers of my power hand into my vagina to ease out some of the blood for the water. With the blood on my fingers, I painted a spiral on my belly to invoke the Goddess.

I layed down in the water and the spiral washed away, but the warmth of the water, the womb of the Mother, let me know she was there to comfort me, to help me understand the gift she gave me on this Solstice, to help me with the pain my body had.

I stayed in the water and bled until I felt comforted.

I awoke happier today.